Image by Hamed Saber

One of my constant sources of inspiration is best-selling author Dan Millman. I am starting to notice a pattern here: two of my spiritual guides (Jack Lalanne and Dan Millman) were former athletes, and shared their perspectives on life with others in a rather public way. If you know of more characters like these two, please drop me a comment at the end of this post.

Let’s get back to Dan’s words. You can find the original piece, which was entitled ‘Dream Small‘ on Dan’s personal blog (click here for full article). On it Dan talks about the unrealistic expectations that Gen Y’ers typically have; and the impact this has on these young people when they get to compete for jobs in ‘the real world’. Dan’s advice? To dream small, take it a bit easier while you find yourself, and allow sufficient time for you to gain experience and develop yourself, your skills, and your own dreams.

This article made me reflect on 2 issues that I have been thinking about for quite some time. Firstly, it reminded me that we no longer recognise inexperience for what it is: a wonderful opportunity to try different things and find yourself. In today’s ultra-competitive, uber-complex world, we expect our children to choose-their-path as soon as they finish high school – ideally even before- and charge ahead with determination and perseverance. Newspapers and books around us are filled with ‘inspirational’ stories of those who found their calling at 14 or 15, started their career with impetus and energy, and became famous and/or a millionaires by the age of 25.

The problem with this abundance of stories on successful people is that it reinforces the illusion that we should all do the same. Not just that people can, and if you’re lucky enough, you will have the experience and skills and motivation to do it; but that it is only a matter of wishing-for-it strongly enough, and it will happen. Add to this the latest craze around ‘The Secret’ and ‘The Law of attraction’, and you end up with a generation that believes that the only thing you need to do to succeed is sit around dreaming and affirming your desires, and life will put them in your plate effortlessly.

Unfortunately, the world just does not work like that. Affirmations and desire are important, but it takes ACTION inspired by those dreams to make things happen. Today, many people have forgotten this second – and critical – part of the equation! My advise then is not to stop dreaming – but don’t just stop at dreaming, or you will be seriously disappointed.

The second topic that Dan’s article reminded me about is the concept of ‘defining & taking control of your career’. In today’s corporate world, there is an inbuilt expectation that everyone WANTS a career. But I know many people that just want a job that provides sufficient for their needs, without draining them of the time & energy they need for their life passion. And these people typically do not give a hoot about where their career is going. In a way, they are enjoying their lives while supporting themselves with a job. Unfortunately, this concept does not sit well in the corporate world of today.

It is amazing to think of just how universal has this concept become in today’s corporate world. Especially when we know that not everyone needs and wants a career. Large consulting firms have developed particularly discriminatory practices on this regard. Many of them have established policies that stipulate that if you don’t move to the ‘next level’ within a set period of time, you must leave the firm (‘Up-Or-Out’). For clerical or administrative staff, they adjust it and suggest that if you are not developing new skills or moving up the performance curve, you must leave (‘Grow-or-go’).

But where does this leave the single mother of two who needs a decently paid job to support her children, yet has reached the Pinnacle of her learning and efficiency curve? Or the young guy who decides to follow Dan’s advise and ‘just get a job’ so that he can pay the bills while he gets enough life experience that he can figure out which direction to take?

We live in a mad world. The corporatocracy we live in adores mass, homogeneous markets, and abhors diversity. Unfortunately, the side effects of these principles of industralisation are insidious and corrosive; Something must be done. If you agree with these ideas, why not joins us in trying to do something about it?

You could start by sharing some of these thoughts with co-workers; question the whole idea of career-obsession, and ask them how it has affected them, both positively and negatively. You can then engage your HR department in a dialogue about the diversity of needs their workforce has, and highlight the benefits that implementing more progressive policies could have in their ability to attract and retain a more productive and talented workforce. Or if you want to be a bit more extreme, take am intellectual break from your career-oriented life, and stop to smell the roses. Live in the present; Dream small, like Dan suggests; and observe – really observe – what happens in your life. Your outlook on life and love and those things that matter most is likely to change; and then you can say that at least you have managed to change the world and reduce its number of career-extremists by one.

Go crazy. Seize the day.

Image: Kiss with little voyeur courtesy of krisdecurtis

When I started this blog, I wrote for myself. The blog started as a collection of random thoughts I was having, primarily during boring business meetings (What? I thought this was about love!” You’re right, dear reader. Hang on there and we’ll get to it in a second)

However, as time has passed, these reflections evolved. My blog became an interactive channel of reflection. Huh? Let me explain what I mean by that.

When I was a teenager, I had a lot of trouble finding a girlfriend. It was very easy for me to become friends with girls, but I continuously fond myself at the pointy end of a conversation that started with “I-don’t-want-to-ruin-a-wonderful-friendship-by-becoming-involved’; or had to listen (again!) to my crush of the moment start telling that “It’s-not-you-It’s-me-I-only-see-you-as-a-friend”. Despite an enormous amount of energy going into the pursuit of romantic fulfillment (Hollywood style, nothing less!), it wasn’t until I started University that I had my first real girlfriend. During all those teenage years I also spent a lot of time ruminating on a variety of topics. This habit of thinking and using my brain for other pursuits led me to an engaging and regular social setting. With my five best friends, we established the routine of getting together (at one of our places) every Friday or Saturday night; open a bottle of Rum, ‘Aguardiente‘, or the alcoholic beverage of our choice at the time; and have deep and meaningful discussions on any topic. We talked about religion, art, politics, university, love, and comic books. We called these meetings our ‘Tertulias de los viernes’. (Friday’s Tertulias)

As I left Colombia and my group of friends behind, I stopped participating in these regular intellectual debates. I also found my other half; married her; and have spent the last 12 years of my life with her.

Then I started this blog. I reflected on my own. And then the most marvelous thing started happening: I found some bloggers who shared some of my interests. I started perusing their writing. Regularly. And since a few weeks ago, I started having my own virtual version of ‘Friday’s Tertulias‘ by responding to their posts in my blog.

There it is. That’s the intro to my article on whether we can fall out of love or not. What started me thinking about this topic was (you guessed it) another blogger. Moriah posted an article entitled Ramblings on internet dating/long-distance relationships , in which she explains why internet dating just does not appeal to her; and why on the other hand long-distance relationships hold a certain level of appeal (I know it sounds weird, but when you read her post, it actually makes a lot of sense. I suggest you head over there and read her post; you will probably agree with my comments). Through the comments section of that post we engaged on a dialog. On my first response to the article, I discussed how the ‘getting to love’ someone happened along slightly different paths in today’s world than in olden times (think ‘arranged marriages’ vs ‘falling in love’)

Then Moriah asked Can one fall out of love permanently or does it take one moment, built upon another, until one’s heart becomes hard toward another? My immediate reaction to her question was that one can (and one does) “fall out of love” permanently; but that it just isn’t something that happens instantaneously. Let me rephrase it. Love is like honey: If you try to fill a glass with it, it will take a while for it to fill. Try emptying it, and it will also take some time for it to reach empty.

As I wrote this, I understood that the problem we’re having is semantics. Falling “in love” and falling “out of love” are reasonably immediate actions. Getting to love someone, on the other hand, takes a bit more time and energy; and I don’t think you ever stop loving someone you once loved deeply.

People that go from relationship to relationship without giving themselves (or their partners) an opportunity to experience a deep sense love are usually following the fickleness of their hearts; moving with the wind as they fall in and out of love with others. This notion plays very nicely to Hollywood’s romantic view. You must feel butterflies in yout stomach when you see him; want to spend every single second in his presence; laugh at his every joke, love his every hobby, and think he is the most handsome man in the world. But as reality sets in, you start feeling that his passion for collecting stamps is rather boring; you start thinking that his looks are more comical than handsome; and you stop laughing at his jokes. Then it suddenly hits you. Oh my God, I fell out of love with him and I had not even noticed! you think to yourself. Then temptation sets into your heart, and you start looking for The One. You know, the one who is perfect. The one with whom there are no compromises. The one who will make you happy forever after. The one. 

But life is full of compromises. As we mature, we learn this, be it the easy or the hard way. We also learn to find the things we need to do to choose trade offs that make us better off. With maturity, we are able to start making the right calls: We stay with a partner despite the fact that she drives us crazy with her inability to close the proverbial tube of toothpaste the right way; we stay with her because, as we look at all the positive and all the negative aspects and compare them to the joy we get from simply being around her, we come out ahead. In a way, maturity gives us a process for assessing and constructing an Emotional Balance Sheet with withdrawals and deposits, and to use it in our romantic decision-making.

With this new perspective, let’s try to answer the original question: Can we fall out of love? Of course we can. After all, what goes up, must also come down“. But it is also true that we never really stop loving those we once loved. This is true for most romantic and platonic forms of love. And in this sense, we can never truly fall out of love.

Image: Rooted courtesy of noahg.

Yesterday I came across a blog post that related the sad story of a 76 year-old Trishaw driver in Singapore who was taunted and abused by 3 young and (obviously) immature men. (link to Youtube video)

In the last sentence of the post, the author extols us to “take a good look at those bastards and remember their faces. Ever see them around when you travel, don’t hesitate to give them good punches in their faces and kick their crotches between their legs.“It was interesting to see that he post was entitled “I believe inKarma; Do you?”, because with this closing paragraph, the author revealed a very shallow understanding of the law of cause and effect, or ‘Karma’.

Just as fascinating as the post itself was the litany of comments that followed. A few went along the lines of “I am Catholic, so I’m not supposed to believe in Karma… “. There were also references to the Bible’s reference to “What a man sows, this he will reap” (St Paul’s letter to the Calatians 6:7). And another one said “These two should get the karma they deserve.”

I must admit it was disturbing to see 3 young and fit men riding in the back of a trishaw that was pulled by someone twice their age. To see the lack of respect shown to this man trying to earn a decent living was heart breaking. And I do believe that sooner or later, what you do catches up with you. I have no doubt these 3 will suffer the consequences of their actions.

But the original post reminded me just how misunderstood is the concept of karma. ‘Buddhism for busy people’, by David Michie is one of the best and easiest to understand books I have read about Buddhism; and has a great explanation of Karma and its more interesting details:

You see, it’s not only the big things we do that matter. We don’t have to do anything as dramatic as defraud our employers, or write a large cheque to charity, to create negative or positive karma. Both of those actions, like all others, began as ideas in our minds, so that it is here, in our mind, that karma arises.

We all tend to have habitual thoughts, or attitudes, and we need to be very careful about these. Often they build up, and have a cumulative effect which is immense. As Buddha said in the Dharmapadda:

The word manifests as the word;
The word manifests as the deed;
The deed develops into a habit;
And habit hardens into character;
So watch the thought and its ways with care,
and let it spring from love borne out of concern for all beings…
As the shadow follows the body,
as we think so we become.

We can see then how these young men’s actions are already part of their karma. And how they will also continue to shape their future and destinies. What is worth highlighting is that according to the passage above the mere thought of violence is something we must carefully watch and guard against just as much as we guard against violence itself. It is in thoughts that our Karma is born, Buddha argued.

Within this context, the original writer’s desire to have other people seek these men and punch them in the face or groin is just as heinous as the act that these 3 committed when taunting the old man. I know it sounds extreme, but let’s explore how that could be true. The thought gave rise to the words on the blog. The words on the blog may plant a seed on some Singaporean visitors’ minds. And these seeds may germinate and develop into actions. And who is to say these actions may not target some innocent bystander that ‘looked like’ one of them?

Both Buddha and Jesus spoke of love and compassion. Jesus himself loved those that were considered ‘unlovable’ by most of his contemporaries: Prostitutes; Thieves; Criminals. Buddha teaches us to have compassion for those that are confused and do not yet understand the nature of Samsara. Jesus teaches us to offer the other cheek. It all comes down to Karma, in a way. Read the words above. Think of the consequences that your thoughts can have. Watch carefully, and sow the habit (and the character) of love and compassion in your everyday life.

There is one more misconception that is evident in the original post and the comments that followed. Karma, as a Buddhist concept, is closely related to the idea that our current life is one of many that we have lived, one of many that will be lived. Reincarnation is a key tenet of the Buddhist philosophy, as it means that ‘getting it wrong’ will simply mean a longer path to Nirvana (salvation, in Christian terms). Unlike the Christian view that we have ‘just one chance’ and will then be judged, with the result of going either to heaven or to hell; Buddhists explain that we have an infinite number of lives to learn from our mistakes (Although some would say that getting ’stuck’ in this crazy world for a long number of lives would be the same as being in hell, and that the two views are thus in fact one and the same). Within this context, the comments made by others to the original post miss the point: Karma does not dictate that these 3 men will be ‘punished’ for their actions. Rather, Karma articulates that their actions will have a consequence. That is why Karma is also called ” The Law of Cause and Effect”. It does not establish a punishment; simply that whatever thoughts and actions we have and live will have a reaction (consequence), and we will have to live with them.

As some of my readers will know, I have been increasingly interested in the Buddhist traditions. Over the last 18 months, I have read a lot about this philosophy; learned about meditation; and increased my meditation practice from about 15 mins every few months, to about 1 hour every day.

Last Sunday, I was listening to Radio National’s “The Spirit of Things” podcast while gardening. The podcast I listened to was an old one, from the 3rd of June, 2007. Halfway through the program, the presenter discussed a mediaeval mystical text called “The Cloud of Unknowing”. This book has been used by the World community of Christian meditation, an organisation I did not know anything about until last week. Rather than re-write about the central message of this book, let me quote from the Podcast:

“You have first a Cloud of Forgetting, which means forget all the thoughts that have to do with your own personal life, in fact do what Jesus said, leave self behind. That’s the Cloud of Forgetting, because all our personal thoughts are ego thoughts, are in a way a veil, a cloud between us in God. We’re so caught up in our own thoughts that we cannot see beyond the reality of God that completely envelops and penetrates us, we can’t see that.

But then when you go on, you then come to the Cloud of Unknowing, and the whole idea is that God cannot be known rationally. Our brains are much too limited. We are very proud, quite rightly, of our achievements of the mind, but they are nothing compared to God, and we cannot conceive of God. So it is the cloud of Unknowing is coming to that acceptance that God is more than we think, that God is limitless, cannot be caught, hence the Cloud of Unknowing. And it’s also to go back to what I said to Jung, it’s going from the rational knowledge of the mind, into the intuitive knowledge of the heart where you actually know intuitively. So it is a way of letting go. Of one way of knowing and entering another way of knowing. In my book, I explain that very much in brain terms. But it is the early desert fathers, very much talked about moving from the mind to the heart, which is exactly what The Cloud of Unknowing is saying again.”

Having just read a number of books on Buddhism , I was flabbergasted to find so many similarities between the messages in ‘The Cloud of Unknowing’ and some of my recent reads (such as ‘Buddhism for busy people’). In both cases, there is an argument that we must let go of our ‘mind’ / ego in order to reach spiritual realisation. In both cases we are told to stop the incessant chatter of our brains, and to move our attention to our centre: our heart.

At the end of the podcast, I was left wondering: Is there really that much difference between a buddhist monk and a christian monk in a monastery? Are they not using similar techniques (mantras and meditation for the buddhist; prayer and reflection for the christian) to achieve a state of high consciousness and spiritual enligthenment?

For the first time in my life, I looked at some of the traditional practices of life in a monastery with a very different eye. It no longer seems like the practices of individuals that are trying to punish themselves. Instead, I started to understand that the practices of some of these priests are designed to achieve the same level of detachment and acceptance sought after by meditating Buddhists.

Am I going too far? I am a total amateur at comparative religion, so this post will look positively childish to anyone who is well versed in these topics. But as a child that wonders in amazement at the simplest discoveries, I have enjoyed the experience of discovering new interpretations to some simplistic ideas I have held on to for a long time.

The Unawakened always rewards Specificity.Only the Masters enjoy Balanced Versatility.

Image by Argenberg

Specialisation is highly regarded in this modern world.I have discussed career goals with many professionals, and I am yet to find someone who tells me “I want to develop a broad range of skills – I want to be a generalist“. But as the quote above (from an article by Steve Ilg) says, only the true masters enjoy balanced versatility.

There is that pesky word again: Balance. I don’t remember ever using it as often as I have over the last 18 months of my life.So why is ‘balanced versatility’ so important?

Because its alternative – excessive specificity , or ultra-specialisation – comes with a price tag that we should all realise is just too high for most of us. Truth is, no one has noticed.

Let’s talk about careers. Developing highly specialised skills is rewarded by higher salaries. As the supply for those rare skills in the market place is smaller, the price for the services increases. This is true in professional sports, in the corporate world, and even in the medical sciences. Professionals seek to gain a deep level of specialist knowledge, so that they will eventually be recognised as ‘experts’ in their field; write insightful articles; and receive awards at international conferences.

You can also look in the direction of social relationships. People advise you to develop your unique personality and flaunt it. Be generic, and no one will notice. Be unique, and people will appreciate you for your individuality. This advice, we are told, has proven to work in today’s world.

What about the scientific domain? Same thing. I challenge you to find a scientist who wants to be a mathematician, chemist, and philosopher, all at the same time. No, the knowledge domains are too vast to have a generalist knowledge base. Scientists accept as proven wisdom that you’re better off choosing a very specific topic and becoming well-recognised for the high quality of your work. I am sure somewhere out there we can find a PhD dissertation on the physiology of the left cornea of redheads in rural North Ireland.

Behind all these examples is the insidious influence of the industrial revolution. With the arrival of organised industry in the late 18th / early 19th century, we started accepting that high degrees of specialisation lead to efficiencies of scale, mass-production of items at low cost, and larger economic markets. Along the industrial revolution we then saw a social revolution that applied the same principle to the fabric of our own culture and society.

Unfortunately, this revolution came with some nasty side effects. A high degree of specialisation has a significant and often hidden cost. Over-specialisation stiffles creativity, generates work and social environments lacking on diversity and its benefits, and reduces the level of innovation. In the sports arena, over-specialisation will lead to unhealthy and unbalanced individuals. Don’t believe me? Just look at this picture of an ultra-endurance athlete. Can you guess how old she is?

She is only 45!!

Overspecialisation, like most things taken to an extreme, is not healthy. The question is what are you trying to become: a generalist, or a specialist?

Six months
of Change
Six Months
of Suffering
Six Months
of Love
Six months
of happinessThe nature of Samsara:
to realise through daily life
of the emptiness of ‘I’.
To live in all its glory
the teachings of enlightened ones
That nothing lasts,
All changes,
and we just are
ripples on a pond;
ripples that forgot
that we are all just water;
ripples that forgot
that we are all the same.
Just water in an infinite pond,
all the same; united every day.
Feeling the effects
of other pebbles
in other lives.
Not quite getting
how inconsequential they all are.The nature of Samsara.
The teachings of enlightened ones.
Knowing that the only thing that matters
Is love,
Compassion,
Peace,
Us.